snake wang   (quote)

As an adolescent, I once watched my wang shed its skin for three days, then emerge as immaculate as it was in my infancy—only bigger. Once you've seen that—and admittedly, it happened more than once—it takes something more than a weird little dermatological problem to spur you toward the assistance of a medical professional.
...
When my physician turned around, he stared at my groin and said:
"Good lord."
Normally, I'm delighted with this type of reaction. I have a tall and thin build, and people seem to expect my penis to reflect my delicate stature. However, the doctor's face didn't relay admiration. In fact, it didn't even register as being the face of a calm, indifferent medical professional. It bore a look of genuine horror.
...
 -Kevin Keck, Nerve.com

"What do you masturbate with?" He had a notepad out and was poised for my answer.
"My hand." I thought this was fairly obvious, but recalling several experiences with child-safety flotation devices in my teenage years, I understood the necessity of his question.
The doctor shook his head again. "No, what sort of lubrication do you use? Anything unnatural?"
Here I pulled my pants back on, cleared my throat and looked shamefully at the floor as I recounted nearly eighteen years' worth of the various products applied to my penis. Vaseline, lotions of all sorts, K-Y Jelly, baby oil — these items didn't even cause the good doctor to raise an eyebrow. It was when I rattled off the litany of shampoos and soaps, cooking oil, motor oil, 3-in-1 oil, toothpaste, Neosporin, Smuckers Apple Jelly, Vicks VapoRub, Papa John's garlic-butter sauce, Chapstick, sunblock, Hawaiian Tropic Tanning Oil, Speed Stick, butter, margarine (for what it's worth, margarine most definitely holds up better than butter) and ice cream that he reacted adversely. (Many of these items I used more than once, but the ice cream resulted in such a catastrophic mess that I must strongly discourage its use.)
When I was finished, the doctor merely looked at me and blinked. I looked away and tried to imagine what med-school course could have prepared him for this.
 -Kevin Keck, Nerve.com